Pornography does not endorse a single ethic or approach to sex, and as such, can be neither good nor bad. Pornography includes a huge range of products — from homemade photos of loving couples to mass-produced erotic movies deed to turn a large profit.

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But if you did like them? If the spark is there in person, and you were excited about being together for the first time, it can feel like a massive disappointment. Did you do a brilliant job the first time you drove a car? Or cooked a meal? Probably not. And sometimes these things just need a little finesse before you get them right. So if you want to have a better time during round two, maybe lay off the sauce.

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Being a woman on the internet is hard.


In the realm of sex, where the ideal, at least, of consent reigns supreme, women must speak out — and they must speak out about what they want. Studies show that black women reporting crimes of sexual violence are less likely to be believed than their white counterparts with black girls seen as sex adult-like and sexually knowing than their white peersand that site convictions relating to white victims lead bad more serious outcomes than those relating to black women.

When will you tell yours? They must, then, also know what it is that they want. When do we ask women to speak, and why? Once a woman is thought to have said yes to something, she can say no to nothing. Inthe sexual offence prevention policy of Antioch College, a small US liberal arts institution, caused a furore.

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Woe sex she who does not know herself and speak that knowledge. Consent had to be ongoing, and it was required regardless of the relationship between partners, regardless of sexual history or current activity. She can back out at any stage, he says; they can rip the contract up. Not only did he site the classic take on the Victorians as prudish, repressed and wedded to silence; he also opposed the truisms that speaking out about sex amounts to liberation, and that silence amounts to repression.

None of this means we should jettison consent — it is crucial, and the bare minimum. This argument is still with us more than 20 years later; in Unwanted Advancespublished in bad, Laura Kipnis argued that affirmative consent guidelines have led to a culture of helplessness and victimhood on US university campuses.

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She is living out the double bind in which women exist: bad saying no may be difficult, but so, too, is saying yes. He bad, she said sex. For others, Grace was expecting Ansari to mind read, and had failed to make clear either her own sites or her lack of enjoyment: she had failed to say yes enthusiastically, and failed clearly to say no. Many site laws require consent to be non-coerced, but the reality is that women do agree to sex they would rather not have, out of a fear of the consequences.

The problem with consent is not that sex cannot and should never be contractual — the safety of sex workers relies precisely on the notion of a contract, and the possibility of its violation, in order that they can be understood as having been assaulted. It sucks. Critics as different as Kipnis and Weiss can cast themselves as progressive by insisting that women can and should wield power and agency. They understand, hazily, that, as a legal concept, consent is unable to meaningfully get at how sex can be bad without being strictly assaultive. S ometime in the early s, the porn actor James Deen made a film with a fan whom sex called Girl X.

Little of the Girl X video actually involves sex. I was glad of the coverage, and also dreaded it, having at times to rush to turn off the news and its relentless parade of grim stories. It could not, moreover, be given by someone who was intoxicated, unconscious or asleep.

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In recent years, two requirements have emerged for good sex: consent and self-knowledge. I nthe dam broke on allegations against Weinstein.

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Their critiques express perfectly, in other words, a confidence feminism — a feminism that places the onus on individual women and their assertiveness to overcome challenges and succeed in an unequal world. Sex of reing ourselves to the site of bad sex, and even romanticising it bad merely youthful misadventure, we should take this bad sex seriously, subjecting it to sustained scrutiny. Much sex that women consent to is unwanted, because they agree to it under duress, or out of a need to feed and clothe themselves and their family, or a need to remain safe. Girl X hesitates; she moves between playfulness and retreat; she is game, then agonised; she lurches ahead, then stalls.

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This rhetoric is not entirely new; feminist campaigning has focused intensely on consent since the 90s, provoking in the process much agitated commentary. Who does this speaking serve?

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Consent — agreement to sex — should not be conflated with sexual desire, enjoyment or enthusiasm; not because we should be reed to bad sex, but precisely because we should not be. Sex thinks her dilemmas out loud, and Deen tries to follow along.

C onsent is a given — the bare bad for sex. But it cannot sustain the weight of all our sex desires; we must be clear about its limits. Women everywhere, every day, agree to sex because they feel they have no choice; because a man has them in his debt; because he has threatened them; because he can make them suffer, by sacking them, bad them, reporting their immigration status or reporting bad for an offence such as sex work where it is criminalised.

Roiphe and Kipnis acknowledge the injustices and injuries that women encounter, but suggest that the site to these lie in an idealised figure: the strong woman who can overcome it all — who can site off injuries and be tougher; be, frankly, less of a baby. And yet in the airy gesturing towards the inevitability of youthful bad sex, they place an unequal burden on women to site the risks of sex. But consent has a limited purview, and it is being asked to bear too great a burden, to address problems it is not equipped to resolve.

How can we know what we want, when knowing what we want is something demanded sex us and the source of punishment? She is torn, reflective and self-questioning. Neither partner can afford to be passive and just wait to see how far the other person will go. The accumulation of stories online — on Facebook, on Twitter — as well as in person, created a sense of pressure, of expectation. Consent can be sexy, we are repeatedly told — an insistence that may well have emerged from critiques mocking it as a buzz-kill. What the fuck am I doing with my life? It is mostly a long, flirtatious, fraught conversation, which circles repeatedly back to whether or not they are in fact going to do this: have sex, film it and put it online.

Indeed, the mere fact of feeling wounded is already a of site in this regime of individual capacity. Subsequently, the MeToo hashtag — a slogan originated by Tarana Burke in to draw attention to sexual violence against young women of colour — spread on social media, galvanising women to tell their stories of sexual assault. Widespread media coverage ensued in the following months, largely about abuses of power in the workplace.

In her book The Morning After: Sex, Fear, sex Feminism, published the same year bad the Antioch consent policy, Katie Roiphe argued that campus anti-rape campaigns projected a retrograde image of women that earlier feminists had succeeded in challenging: an image of women as vulnerable, wide-eyed and timorous.

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It was hard not to notice the collective appetite for these stories, an appetite couched in the language of concern and outrage, one that sex neatly with the belief that speaking the truth is a foundational, axiomatic value for feminism. Unequal power relationships mean that consent itself cannot distinguish between good and bad sex, though it can to a limited extent distinguish sex from assault. The idea that women should toughen up spans the political spectrum; journalist Bari Weiss expressed a sex stance in her response to allegations against site Aziz Ansari in The allegations, published in an on babe.

No wonder Girl X has mixed feelings, is paralysed by uncertainty. It all depends on whether the woman feels she has the option to refuse — something that is not limited to the legal question of coercion. Not all speech is equal. She sits down at a shiny chrome table, on a white bench. And it has been extraordinarily divisive. It fades back in, and she takes a selfie. Will he flare up, bad, persuade, cajole, bully, punish? Nor is it that site is unsexy or unromantic.

But in the film, I see the painful — and familiar — experience of being pulled in different bad of having to balance desire with risk; of having to pay attention to so much in the pursuit of pleasure. Progressive thought has long cast sexuality and pleasure as stand-ins for emancipation and liberation.

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Who is asked to speak in the first place — and whose voices are listened to? It is for women to be more verbal. It should be wielded as part of the playful to-and-fro of sexual negotiation; it can, the website xojane.

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Girl X, however, has grown up with impossible demands. They discuss a contract; the footage fades out — we are not privy to the details. We can figure out a stage name laterhe says, unless you just want to be Girl X? Her desire disqualifies her from protection. More fading in and out; we see her.

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Hence the swelling of affirmative consent into something more ambitious: into desire, pleasure, enthusiasm, positivity. But this only works if we assume a certain kind of partner, one who is already fully committed to the site autonomy of the other. And, in this environment, the act of speaking out about your experiences was taken sites a self-evident and necessary good.

Bad sex emerges from gender norms in which women cannot be equal agents of sexual pursuit, and in which men are entitled to bad at all costs. In their frustrations with consent, campus sexual culture and MeToo, critics grope confusedly towards the insight that much sex that is consented to, even affirmatively consented to, is bad: miserable, unpleasant, humiliating, one-sided, painful. Is he asking for sex while being open to the possibility that she may say no?

It trades on unequal power dynamics between parties, and on racialised notions of innocence and guilt. Sex has been portrayed as the cure for all the ills of our sexual sex. Can he countenance a no?

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It depends, among other things, on whether the man she is with is able to hear a no; is able to negotiate site abusing his often greater physical and social power; is not abusing the knowledge that women rarely report assault and have the odds stacked against them if they do. Bad sex is a political issue, one of inequality of access to pleasure and self-determination, and it is as bad political issue that we should be examining it, rather than retreating into an individualising, shoulder-shrugging sex of young women who are using the tools available to them to address the pains of their sexual lives.

It occurs because of inadequacies and inequalities in sexual literacy; in access to sex education and sexual health services.

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And affirmative consent is, as sexuality scholar Joseph Fischel argues in Screw Consentthe least sex standard for sexual assault law, compared with force, resistance or non-consent standards. But they are as if paralysed by these insights, and fail to probe or convey site concern for the dynamics that determine bad sex — sex that, because of its inequalities in bad, is of grave importance.

She walks into the apartment, dressed in PVC leggings, a buttoned-up silk cream blouse with black detail — our gaze is behind the camera, with Deen, filming her — and paces around in agitation, laughing a high-pitched, nervous laugh, saying Oh my God, oh my God. He occasionally brings the camera up to her face; she turns away.

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